Jokes Collection #2

Another collection of longer Funny Jokes to help amuse and give Laughs.

A man enters a bar where the only other patron is seal sitting at the far end of the room. After a few minutes the seal shouts to the man, “I like the way you smell.” Confused, the man ignores the compliment. a few minutes later the seal shouts again, ” You’ve got a great haircut.” The man continues to ignore the seal, but every few minutes it yells another compliment. Finally, the patron turns to the bartender and asks, “What is with that animal?” The barman replies, “That’s our seal of approval.”

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.” The two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!” “Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?” “Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.” His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.” “A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?” “Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted, flew out the window and took my teeth with her !!!”

A Truck is stuck under A bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.” .

Eight fellow accountants and I got into the lift at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back of the lift interrupted us. “So, how many accountants does it take to press the lift button?“

Four friends are touring Europe. One is English, one is French, another is Spanish, and the last is from Germany. The four friends are in Paris, and see a large crowd gathering around a street performer. They all crane their necks to see the street performer, but can’t seem to get a view. The performer notices the men, and stands on a box. He yells out “Can you gents in the back see me alright?” The friends respond: Yes, Oui, Si, Ja.

Tech support says, “Is the light on your modem blinking?” Customer replies, “No.” Tech support says, “So it’s solid then?” Customer responds, “Yes. It’s solid, then it’s off, then it’s solid again, then it’s off again…”

A man was the only administrative person in the front office of a subsidised housing complex that supports people living with chronic mental illness. On one particularly busy morning, a tenant came in to pay her rent. Feeling frazzled, the man said to her, “Today is a bit rough. Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?” She smiled and replied, “I take medication for that.”

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

The office printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge. “We really don’t need to determine who is responsible for this mess,” he said, “We just want someone to take the blame.”

Each week the teacher would test the language comprehension of the students by asking them to use the “word of the week” in a sentence. When Calvin’s turn arrived, he was to use the word ‘supervision’. He thought long and hard, and then his face lit up as he proudly told the class, “Superman has supervision.”

So, a Mafia Godfather finds out that his book keeper has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf, which is the reason he got the job in the first place. The Don assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Don goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is? The bookkeeper signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The attorney tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, “Ask him again!” The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!” The bookkeeper signs back, “OK! OK! You win, the money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!” The Godfather asks the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.” The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. The man asks, “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, “When I die, I’ll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol’ woman!!” Neighbours feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98. After the burial, Daisy May’s neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?” She replied, “LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN… AND I KNOW HE WON’T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.”

Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the ‘miracle’ products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?” Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty, your hair, eighteen, and your figure, twenty five.” “Oh, you flatterer!'”she gushed. “Hey, wait a minute!” Harold interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.” That was the last thing he remembered before waking up in hospital bed.

The Police found over 2000 dead crows on local highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Police then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “bike”.